Today is my 100th post and what a journey we have been on together. There have been highs and there have been lows! However I have finally reached a landmark in blog posts and I have had very nearly 2,000 views on my blog.
Just recently I have come across lots of other EDS people on the Internet and it has been interesting hearing their stories and hearing their coping mechanisms.
Clover left me a very good comment the other day which went something like "trying to hide an illness is like trying to hold a beach ball under water." Its very true and it struck a chord with me.
I have been holding that beach ball under water for a long time and last night it pushed its way up to the surface. Last night I had to admit to myself and my hubs that I'm not coping at present. I have a history of suffering with depression and for the last year I have been battling a very lonely fight. I couldn't admit to anyone that there was a problem as I knew that as soon as those words left my mouth no one would bother to try and find out what was wrong with me. They would use the diagnosis of depression as a catch all diagnosis pump me full of anti depressants and send me on my merry way.
The depression hasn't been truly horrific until the last few weeks. Last year I had a few downs but managed on the whole to pull myself out of them. I recognised the signs and did what I could could pull myself out of the black hole.
Unfortunately recently the bad days have been increasing, I want to throw pity parties practically every other day. You may have noticed it in my posts. I know close friends have. I should have taken action much sooner than allow myself to get into the state I am in at the moment. I have pretty much been crying on and off for the last twenty four hours.
I have spoken with my Dr this morning and as I am seeing him on Monday he wants to talk to me properly then. Quite rightly as he points out any medication could take up to two weeks before I start to feel better so a couple of days is neither here nor there. I actually feel better opening up about it and saying how I truly feel instead of pretending to every one that I am OK.
I think its been triggered by the fact I am no longer fighting day in and out for my voice to be heard and for the medical profession to accept that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. The depression no doubt is a battle scar that will heal in time.
The classic signs have been there that I should have picked up on but chose to ignore. Problems sleeping, early waking, not interested in things that I used to take pleasure in. Feelings of hopelessness, isolation and not able to communicate properly. I feel like I am looking at the world through someone else's eyes. I am disconnected from the world around me.
I am also finding it hard to accept that the bunch of medical conditions I have can be treated but not cured. The Rachel before all this happened will never come back in the same way she was. There will probably never be any dog walking on the common again - the thing I miss the most. I will never work again too unreliable health wise and what can I do lying down most of the day? I don't know why after 4 years of going through this its suddenly hit me very very hard. I am in mourning for the life I had and the version of life that I have lost. Unless you are in this position you can never get to see what its like and I hope you never do.
At the moment everything seems very bleak and I am struggling to motivate myself to do anything.
I know in my heart of hearts that it won't always be the case and considering what I have been through in the last few years its hardly surprising its taken a toll on my mental health. I am looking forward to feeling better but at the moment its an hour at a time rather than a day at a time.
I have also reached out to family and friends today who have realised along time before I did that something was amiss. Their support has been fantastic and I thank them for it. All of them know that I have battled the depression demon and overcome it, as I will again.
If you are suffering from depression, for what ever reason please don't be stupid like me and get to the point where you can't function like you used to. Reach out and tell someone how you feel, speak to your GP and let them know that you aren't coping. By doing this myself I already feel like a great weight has been lifted and its not something that I have to carry alone. Depression is not a sign of weakness......if it was Winston Churchill would never have been Prime Minister, Stephen Fry wouldn't be the charming man that he is.
Thanks for listening.